you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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