I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
