at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
