Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
