he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
