In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
