I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
