I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
