Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
