Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
