I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
