i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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