Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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