Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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