I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
