i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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