i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the day after is always just damage control
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
