Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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