I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
