not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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