After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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