that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
