im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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