That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
