I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
