is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
