i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I am one with the molecules
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
