I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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