The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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