so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What happened to fro yo and sex?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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