who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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