forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
