Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
