his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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