You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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