I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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