WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize