If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
