ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
