i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
