i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
