i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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