Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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