You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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