If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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