Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
