I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
