I'm so fucking centered right now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize