I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it because I queefed?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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