did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
