college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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