Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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