I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
