Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I died a long time ago.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
