in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
