Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
