She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize