maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
