I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
