Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
